The Silence Is Deafening

Heart beats wildly
Breathing tantric
As I caress
The soft smooth skin
Of your back and hips

My opportunity to be sensual
While you don’t defend
Speak negative
Or push me away

You just lay silently
Ready for my touch


I can feel the energy
Radiating from your body
Longing for me

Starving for what you deny yourself
Your soul welcomes me
Hoping you don’t wake
Your body is beckoning for me
To unleash my passion
My desires
And ravage you
Quenching your thirst
My cravings

The fantasy in my mind
As sequences unfold

For in this brief, still and silent moment
You accept my passion
As you sleep
Thru my tender

I close my eyes
And fantasize

But reality always comes crashing down on my illusion

You push me away
With a huff
And a puff
I lay awake
Hoping you will eventually need me

As I listen to you breathe
And dream…
I want so badly to kiss you
Simply because
I miss
The taste of your lips

But I just can’t handle the rejection

The silence is deafening

Gordes, France

Gordes, France

The Quest For Love’s Green Thumb

I recently touched upon an important piece of the relationship puzzle known as “compromise.” Right now I’d like to attempt to go a step further and delve into the concept of give and take or a bilateral reward system by way of an “Epic Simile.” If our goal as a couple is to strengthen and grow our love then we must be open to recognizing each other’s effort and rewarding them with their needed and desired fruits of their labor and in turn trust that they will do the same for us. Try to think of love itself as a living thing, an animal or plant that needs to be watered and fed, it needs play time, sunlight and rest; it needs to feel alive…

I’m going with the plant idea here –

In order to feed and nurture love so it blossoms in to something beautiful we have to plant it, honestly care about it, have passion for it, and have a deep seeded desire to see it reach its full potential and understand that it is going to take vigilant attention and hard work along the way. Cared for and happy plants yield beautiful flowers, robust herbs, juicy fruits and healthy vegetables. In other words, in my opinion, we need to love and care for our partner so much that we actually do everything in our means to help them grow by giving them all the elements they need to do so. They should, in turn, bare the fruits and reward us by fulfilling our needs and we should both expect our needs to be met and we should enjoy both the labor and the rewards. This love is synergy… Synergy can be ridiculously powerful, but by definition cannot be a one sided effort, both teams must give their best performance.

Much like a plant, when love blossoms it needs to be cared for. It needs food, water, fresh air and sunlight. Many people actually talk to their plants and play Vivaldi for them because they believe it helps them grow into stronger, happier plants! Then we have our lovers; we take them for granted and just expect them to grow on their own and still blossom. We stop feeding them. We no loner provide fresh air and sunlight. We stop talking to them. They start to wilt… We expect them to dig their roots in deep and grow tall and mighty like a Redwood with amazingly thick bark and an impressive canopy creating our own self-sustaining microclimate while feeding itself through months of drought.

The reality is that our relationships often resemble that all too common situation when we decide to buy that basil plant from the grocery store. The intent is great and romantic. We pick up that little green pot and have visions of planting it in the back yard or creating and herb planter box so we can walk outside and pick our homegrown vibrantly green fresh herbs to season our favorite dishes with. We come home from the store and pick a few leaves, chiffonade them and add it to our favorite pasta dish. Delicious! We’re so glad we picked it up… A few weeks pass and we notice the sad little green pot in the corner of the counter. We have failed to give it any attention. We have not watered it or given it fresh air or sunlight. The soil is dry and cracking, its stem is thin and weak, the internodes are limp, the terminal buds are brown and dry and the wilted leaves are dusty. We attempt to save it. We flood it with water and place it in the sunlight. In a week we check back in and find it dead.

Unfortunately we can sometimes plant things like strawberries for instance and care for it “by the book.” It grows healthy and strong but its fruit never matures and ripens. Perplexed, this is often when we decide to seek help from the local gardening store explaining the history from the beginning, explaining the environment and perhaps even providing a soil sample as a last ditch effort to produce fresh, ripe, red strawberries – your favorite fruit. Consider this – if you think you are doing everything right by the book; perhaps you have overlooked the need for the appropriate climate and its time for climate change. I beg you, especially if you are the plant, if it’s a new climate you need then let your partner know. If your partner is doing their job and helping you grow then please bare that vibrant, sweet, juicy fruit that your partner is desperately longing for and trying to grow. Don’t force them to give up. Give them a reason to continue to try – reward them. Help them grow so you can pick your desired fruit, vegetable, flower or herb to brighten your life. They invest all that time and energy because they love you and are passionate for you. Strawberries are their absolute favorite fruit and they want you to grow with them and nurture you forever. You are what makes their life sweet!

Marseille, France

Marseille, France

Au Lieu De

Time spent lost and lonely
Hoping to drown in my tears
I reach out broken-hearted
Gasping, grasping for nothing near

I scrape the walls of my diseased heart
It bleeds bile confusion – feelings
You make it clean
You make it love fearlessly

I breathe my worthless breaths
In lieu of giving up
With it my heart pumps toxins
Daily cleansed by your love

I bleed for you…

St. Remy de Provence, France

St. Remy de Provence, France

The X-Factor

Unfortunately this life is full of negatives and pointless tasks. The days are taken up by work, various trials and scattered conundrums. Tribulation is wrought by multiple misunderstandings and various accidents. Eventually we go to sleep and dream…the next morning we wake and hope this day is better than the last as we walk out that door. We frequently get caught up in and let down by the negative energy that is often surrounding life. For some reason it seems to be so much easier to focus on than all the good we do and the positives in life. So we continually dream and strive for change as we try to create pleasant environments and positive memories to offset the stresses of reality.

I for one feel like I’m stuck in a rut in the everyday monotony of this thing we call life. All I feel like I do is work. I work at least 52 or more hours a week in a job that I wish I could find a way to get out of. Though it is, to me, the most stress free and easiest part of my day – I feel trapped. It’s a black hole or a vacuum sucking my time and life away as I feel my dreams slip though my fingers. Hence, I constantly find myself chasing my dreams. I have this goal, a vision of whom I think I’m supposed to be, albeit in the eyes of many my life isn’t so bad. I admit when I take a moment to step back and honestly asses the reality of the situation…I have to agree; not a bad life. At the very core of it all I have a wife and two beautiful daughters, a well paying and consistent job that will most likely last forever and I live in San Francisco and go for amazing bike rides… Seriously, what the hell am I complaining about?! Well, I’m just not the “me” I expected myself to be at this point in my life. I’m not meeting my own expectations.

I dream of a day that I am paid to travel the globe and write about the adventures I take with my wife, daughters and bike. I dream about my daughters growing and becoming professional ballet dancers and ultimately owning their own studio and company. I envision my wife running her own company; which I’m working on right now and its gonna be perfect in this city… So given the fact that it is hard for me to accept the monotony and do not understand the meaning of the word “contentment,” essentially I dream of us finally controlling our own life and filling it with adventure.

Regardless of all of this, through thick and thin, you know what the best part of my day is? The one constant motivator to continue chasing my dreams. The one thing that makes life worth it and stops the earth from spinning and protects me from all of its forces against me. The light in the shadows of darkness. The thing that reminds me that I’m actually doing alright… The X-Factor. It’s amazing actually, the feeling I get in my heart and soul. I’m talking about that brief, isolated moment when I tuck my girls in at night and they say these seemingly simple words to me – “I Love You Dad.” Yes, this is the real reason why I’m here. That is my true happiness…and nothing else matters. I love you too girls! Thank you for being everything to me.



Downward spiral

Black mamba venom

Rippling effect

Narcoleptic paranoid schizophrenia 

(what the fuck does that mean)

I anticipate

To eliminate

The triggers of rage and envy

All I’ve done

Has been overcome

By sickness and tragedy

(silence followed by reflection)

Pinot Noir

Swirls in crystal

Effecting… Infecting

My thoughts and memory

Once again

I fail to finish

What I’ve begun…

This thought…

This image in my mind…

Its potential will never be realized
Just like me…

Permission to think freely

Chateau d'If - Marseille, France

Chateau d’If – Marseille, France

The Silent Partner

Over the last few years I’ve experienced some things that have made me truly analyze myself and rethink my priorities and approach to life, my wife and kids. It has, in turn, created major changes in my heart, mind and soul. I have also watched a few other people change and adapt to certain life altering episodes, which has helped adjust my perspective and has instilled a sense of hope for the direction of my own life. If I can watch people change (for what I see as “the better”) then I know, or at least think, that there may be hope for me too. Perhaps I can make the adjustments that I need so I can become a better example for my family and others and be a genuine husband, lover, father and friend.

A couple of things I think I’m actually pretty good at are listening and thinking, sometimes too good and a little too much though. In fact, in a strange way that seems so obvious to me now, this was at the root of my primary errors in my relationship because it actually fed and enabled negative behavior and resentment in both of us. Arguments, I am learning, apparently may actually be a good thing and shouldn’t be avoided. We shouldn’t be doing all we can to evade them but actually be trying to learn how to accept their inevitability as part of having a relationship and learn how to actually have one with the person who is the love of our life and trust that everything will be fine in the end. I realize that this may sound strange, but hey, I’m strange and these are just my thoughts and opinions and I’m learning as I go… I also understand that there are probably millions of people out there who argue well and have no problems and get what they need out it and just see it as part of life. I never learned how to argue, this was not part of my life growing up. I didn’t know what actually went into a relationship. I became the silent partner… I think I’m finally learning and am solely basing things on my experiences.

The Silent Partner is often a “people pleaser” who has a fear of confrontation and a fear of failure. They tend to rarely argue, plead their case or defend themselves. They usually keep quiet while they keep their opinion to themselves and just take whatever is given to them. This individual tends to always try to see the other person’s perspective first before allowing themselves to react. People pleasers usually try to avoid arguments. They may claim to not understand the need or the value of arguments, perhaps because they don’t know how to argue and are afraid of the unknown outcomes; they are inexperienced and have no control. If this sounds like you then the reality may be that you are coming off as aloof and uncaring. Your partner may view you as disconnected and feel like you don’t want to take a role in the relationship. It might seem like you don’t have any emotions and you simply just don’t care. You’re shutting down and burying it all deep inside. Even though you are convincing yourself and telling your partner you love them and are doing it for them because you are just trying to make them happy, the reality is that they are not receiving a key element that helps with the evolution the relationship. They probably grew up learning the importance of debate. They actually had experience in arguing and venting and realize that it’s just an exercise of clearing out the junk in the attic. They know that arguments do not mean the end of the relationship. It’s just how most people deal with things and it’s a normal part of a relationship. They will slowly give up on you as being an active partner in your love which will lead to you both cultivating depression and resentment on your road to loneliness.

If you are sacrificing and suppressing your thoughts, emotions and dreams while convincing yourself it’s the right thing to do because you love your partner and think this will keep the waters still; you’re wrong. The current below the surface steadily grows turbulent and fierce lurking silently like undertow waiting for you to step in so it can drag you out to the cold and lonely open sea where you drown hopeless and alone. The misunderstanding, silence, burying of emotions and lack of communication and intimacy that comes with all this brews a bubbling cauldron of resentment, hurt and loneliness. By the time you realize that this is the beast beneath the glassy surface, you have grown apart, lost any understanding and communication skills and have created defenses, assumptions and pre-scripted arguments potentially preventing any hope of working through even the smallest of issues. The relationship is tail spinning out of control and the love that once seemed so natural, so deserved and so real is being snuffed out like a candle in the night. Suddenly this will be reality and your biggest fears will be coming true and you just won’t understand how you could have been so misunderstood…

I honestly hope that if this is you or your partner that we are catching the situation early on. The longer this carries on the harder it gets to make the internal adjustments necessary to heal the wounds of your relationship before the get infected and the disease seeps in to the blood stream and circulates throughout the whole body of your relationship. Shock ensues, followed by coma and organ failure eventually leading you to pulling the plug. If you are in the coma phase please don’t give up…instead wake up! Life can be fun. Relationships can be an adventure. We just need to grow up and dumb it down. Simplify; and as a team, give it one more honest try.

Whether you’re diagnosing this early on or a few years in, my opinion is that it takes the same effort and approach to turn things around. In essence, I believe it will take the following, which is my interpretation of “Vulnerability.” In my opinion it takes both people embracing these 5 elements – desire, love, honesty, admittance and understanding. Seriously, you both truly need to have the desire to save the relationship or else you wont have what it takes to put in the effort. As I said, remember the love and let it shine through, it will be the light that guides you along this path. It will help motivate you and bring you peace. Every action, every statement, every conversation, every thought and feeling needs to be grounded in unbridled and genuine honesty; no games, no tests… Admit your faults, errors and shortcomings and own up to your half of the equation. Finally, be understanding in order to hopefully understand… What do I mean? Create an environment that nurtures a disposition to appreciate or share the feelings and thoughts of others, i.e. sympathy. In turn, this will bring a reconciliation of differences; a state of agreement…

I just wish people could strip down their personal shields and pride in light of the love and caring that they have for their partner. Instead of learning how to win arguments or to get your way and make them not bother trying we should be giving our all to trying to understand each others thought processes, ideals and goals. I’m not saying we can’t have heated arguments ever, I’m just thinking that it makes sense to understand how to get down to the real issues at hand that fuel the dispute and learn how to get through it and grow together. I’m thinking that it would be amazing if we could have open and honest communication at all times even in the midst of disagreement. Unfortunately this is all absurdly dependant first on having trust and vulnerability with your partner. I have observed countless times people acting one way with their partners and another with their friends, myself included. Your partner should be your friend too and we should be accepting each other for who we truly are. If there is one person on this planet that we should not have to act in front of or hide emotions from it is our lover!