Au Lieu De

Time spent lost and lonely
Hoping to drown in my tears
I reach out broken-hearted
Gasping, grasping for nothing near

I scrape the walls of my diseased heart
It bleeds bile confusion – feelings
You make it clean
You make it love fearlessly

I breathe my worthless breaths
In lieu of giving up
With it my heart pumps toxins
Daily cleansed by your love

I bleed for you…

St. Remy de Provence, France

St. Remy de Provence, France

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Venom

Downward spiral

Black mamba venom

Rippling effect

Narcoleptic paranoid schizophrenia 



(what the fuck does that mean)



I anticipate

To eliminate

The triggers of rage and envy

All I’ve done

Has been overcome

By sickness and tragedy



(silence followed by reflection)



Pinot Noir

Swirls in crystal

Effecting… Infecting

My thoughts and memory

Once again

I fail to finish

What I’ve begun…

This thought…

This image in my mind…

Its potential will never be realized
…
Just like me…



Permission to think freely

Chateau d'If - Marseille, France

Chateau d’If – Marseille, France

Into Oblivion

(This was written by me a number of years ago… He’s still in there somewhere I’m sure…)

I’m slipping into oblivion
Drowning in my sins
Ripping through memories
Hating where I’ve been

The tension…
Haze of confusion
Depression…
Causes bruising

I am who you wish you could be
I have done the things you’ve dreamed
I’m not afraid of anything
I feed on your envy

I’m invincible, unstoppable
You can’t get close to me
I am omnipotent, omniscient
Flawless

This pill
This drink
The fucking thoughts I think
Killing me

My attitude
My dreams
The fucking decisions I make
Destroying me

I never had a chance to just be a kid
Now look at me…

Crisis

It’s the question
The inevitable burning sensation
My repression
Broken thoughts; transgressions

The sins I begin
Commitments I can’t finish
The things I create
As my thoughts diminish

This confusion
The inconvenience of my intrusion
You’re abusing
My mind; this fusion

To break me
Rearrange and erase me
You hate me
Create and remake me

I’m useless
Broken and thoughtless
Bloodless and breathless
Lifeless… My crisis

“Don’t let me walk away…  I’m sorry.

So far away they seem to be
These memories
So hard it may seem to me… I have you

Please hear me”

Marseille, France

Marseille, France

Umbra

My mind has shut down
Like a solar eclipse
My thoughts like winter
Cold and crisp

I stare from the bluff
Unaware of the blindness that will come
I gaze into the darkness
That veils that raging ball of fire
A volatile gaseous conglomerate of particles
93 million miles away seemingly non-existent

A rare opportunity to hold eye contact

In seconds it will melt your retina
Leaving you in permanent darkness
Reflecting on this moment
Basking in the rays of my sun.

Now is your only opportunity…

eclipse

LOST

So I awake from amazing and sultry dreams of you
And now I lie here reminiscing and fantasizing about you
Astounded that you are laying here next to me
On your side, holding me
Your right leg entwined with mine
Thigh to thigh
Your hand on my abdomen
Raising with each of my calming breaths
Eyes closed sleeping peacefully
Beautifully
Your head resting on my chest
As I run my fingers through your hair
Breathing you in
With every tender caress
I’m lost in what must be fabricated happiness
Praying for you to discover me
image

8.3 Minutes

I lay awake in the warmth of our bed
Sunbeams break though the condensation on our window
Microfibers of dust are suspended in their rays
Electromagnetic radiation caresses your skin
Filtered infrared and ultraviolet light
Penetrates your cinnamon-honey hair
Which shimmers and glows like a halo…
Your skin, like that of an Angel
Soft, smooth; perfect…
Rosy cheeks, voluptuous lips
Peaceful, you lay still asleep
In the glory of the morning sun
Like photosynthesis
I absorb your angelic glow
My life-force
Your energy at your Zenith
I’m blessed for 8.3 minutes

image

(For my Love, my Angel, my Wife. I Love You Rachel…)