I recently had an unexpected day off from work. The weather has been unseasonably warm and dry; so of course I decided to go for a nice long bike ride. However, this also presented a rare opportunity to spend a little time with my wife, Rachel, so we had breakfast together after the kids went off to school, caught up a little and by 10:30am we went our separate ways. Yes it was short-lived, but worth it for sure. She headed out for a spot of shopping and lunch with a couple of friends and I rolled solo with my bike. I deemed this ride as a break from the monotonous 52-plus hour workweek that has been continually grinding down my soul for the past 8 years. It was due time for some peace, solidarity, picturesque scenery, physical suffering and much needed introspection.
As usual my head was brimming with thoughts and visions colliding, overlapping and weaving into one another. The chaos and noise is often overwhelming, confusing and sometimes mind numbing to the extent that it almost feels as if I have no thoughts and no purpose because I simply can not focus and develop one idea. It’s so frustrating… This day was different. I often experience moments of clarity on random thoughts throughout the course of a long ride but usually I immediately forget the epiphany or it simply just slowly dissolves by the time I get home. This ride’s epiphanies seemed to all be met with one single thematic concept – persistence and determination. Because of this, I believe, I broke down my thoughts systematically in to questions for myself with no intent to drill down for answers. I just wanted to explore the thoughts… So I decided to keep it simple and focus on the thoughts with the intent to write about them here and ask for your experience and opinions. I hope you decide to get involved. So hopefully I can find the time and focus enough to write about the following thoughts over the next few weeks.
Of course there is the ever-present question of what is the next step for Velocurean. We have been through many changes over the past few years and have headed in a couple different directions but have always had the same end goal in our sights. The issue is the path that we must take to get there is very hilly, bumpy and windy… tiring. Things are positive right now but we have 2 or 3 things this year that will take quite a bit of time and attention to detail to execute. Then, of course, is what to write about on this personal blog of mine. Poetry is one thing but some of the things I really want to write about I seem to hesitate on because I’m not sure if I want it to be a public forum though I do believe that if they reach my intended audience it would be worth it. Given the fact that my goal since a child is to be a paid writer I suppose I should just put it out there… Issues in regards to my views and opinions on various relationship dilemmas such as sex, communication, appreciation, intimacy, parenting, respect, family trips, etc and something that has been weighing on me is my kids’ future. They are both natural dancers and entertainers and have promising futures in that but are still so young. San Francisco has 2 schools that appreciate and allow kids to focus on the arts as a career and base their curriculum around it. I want them to go but I don’t want to force it because is it really their dream or am I just acting on my missed opportunities due to “where I come from?” That too – where I come from. “Outliers.”
On the other hand I have some rants and raves to express in relation to various ideas, screenplays and inventions that Kevin and I have come up with and have expressed but we sit here and watch other companies and film makers bring our ideas to life years after we thought of them. Extremely frustrating… That movie “Eagle Eye,” the “iPhone,” “touch screen voting,” “Strava,” “Rapha,” “InGamba,” “VeloVino,” advanced “Cloud Storage,” “Patriot Act,” etc. etc. etc. I’m not saying that they stole our ideas (well, “Eagle Eye” may have been a rip off actually) but we simply may have had the ideas a few years before they did but didn’t have the resources to make it happen. So we just endure it.
Endurance. Perhaps that is the word that sums up my life right now. As I endure life, much like on the bike, I become fitter, leaner, stronger and more experienced. The journey isn’t easy. There are many amazing experiences and memories along these roads full of twists, turns, peaks and valleys that are either categorized as beautiful or ugly depending on how one plays the mental game. I finished up this ride determined not to “pussy out” as I approached the Golden Gate Bridge.” It’s a 2-mile climb up to the bridge but I wanted to push myself more. Instead of turning left to go over the bridge I continued up the hill for another 3 or more miles and was immediately hit by a 12% grade. I just grinded it out and before I knew it I was looking down over the Golden Gate Bridge and the whole San Francisco bay area. It was beautiful and so worth it physically, mentally and aesthetically.
So there it was, my life encapsulated in one 5-hour ride and for some reason I remembered it all. I will never give up on my dreams. I will struggle in hopes that my kids will not have to. I will do my best to be a good, loving and caring husband and father but try to never force them to live my dreams and try not to spoil them too much. I will always try to define and walk that thin line. I will break the cycle through determination and perseverance.