Crisis

It’s the question
The inevitable burning sensation
My repression
Broken thoughts; transgressions

The sins I begin
Commitments I can’t finish
The things I create
As my thoughts diminish

This confusion
The inconvenience of my intrusion
You’re abusing
My mind; this fusion

To break me
Rearrange and erase me
You hate me
Create and remake me

I’m useless
Broken and thoughtless
Bloodless and breathless
Lifeless… My crisis

“Don’t let me walk away…  I’m sorry.

So far away they seem to be
These memories
So hard it may seem to me… I have you

Please hear me”

Marseille, France

Marseille, France

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What A Difference A Day Off Makes

I recently had an unexpected day off from work. The weather has been unseasonably warm and dry; so of course I decided to go for a nice long bike ride. However, this also presented a rare opportunity to spend a little time with my wife, Rachel, so we had breakfast together after the kids went off to school, caught up a little and by 10:30am we went our separate ways. Yes it was short-lived, but worth it for sure. She headed out for a spot of shopping and lunch with a couple of friends and I rolled solo with my bike. I deemed this ride as a break from the monotonous 52-plus hour workweek that has been continually grinding down my soul for the past 8 years. It was due time for some peace, solidarity, picturesque scenery, physical suffering and much needed introspection.

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As usual my head was brimming with thoughts and visions colliding, overlapping and weaving into one another. The chaos and noise is often overwhelming, confusing and sometimes mind numbing to the extent that it almost feels as if I have no thoughts and no purpose because I simply can not focus and develop one idea. It’s so frustrating… This day was different. I often experience moments of clarity on random thoughts throughout the course of a long ride but usually I immediately forget the epiphany or it simply just slowly dissolves by the time I get home. This ride’s epiphanies seemed to all be met with one single thematic concept – persistence and determination. Because of this, I believe, I broke down my thoughts systematically in to questions for myself with no intent to drill down for answers. I just wanted to explore the thoughts… So I decided to keep it simple and focus on the thoughts with the intent to write about them here and ask for your experience and opinions. I hope you decide to get involved. So hopefully I can find the time and focus enough to write about the following thoughts over the next few weeks.

Of course there is the ever-present question of what is the next step for Velocurean. We have been through many changes over the past few years and have headed in a couple different directions but have always had the same end goal in our sights. The issue is the path that we must take to get there is very hilly, bumpy and windy… tiring. Things are positive right now but we have 2 or 3 things this year that will take quite a bit of time and attention to detail to execute. Then, of course, is what to write about on this personal blog of mine. Poetry is one thing but some of the things I really want to write about I seem to hesitate on because I’m not sure if I want it to be a public forum though I do believe that if they reach my intended audience it would be worth it. Given the fact that my goal since a child is to be a paid writer I suppose I should just put it out there… Issues in regards to my views and opinions on various relationship dilemmas such as sex, communication, appreciation, intimacy, parenting, respect, family trips, etc and something that has been weighing on me is my kids’ future. They are both natural dancers and entertainers and have promising futures in that but are still so young. San Francisco has 2 schools that appreciate and allow kids to focus on the arts as a career and base their curriculum around it. I want them to go but I don’t want to force it because is it really their dream or am I just acting on my missed opportunities due to “where I come from?” That too – where I come from. “Outliers.”

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On the other hand I have some rants and raves to express in relation to various ideas, screenplays and inventions that Kevin and I have come up with and have expressed but we sit here and watch other companies and film makers bring our ideas to life years after we thought of them. Extremely frustrating… That movie “Eagle Eye,” the “iPhone,” “touch screen voting,” “Strava,” “Rapha,” “InGamba,” “VeloVino,” advanced “Cloud Storage,” “Patriot Act,” etc. etc. etc. I’m not saying that they stole our ideas (well, “Eagle Eye” may have been a rip off actually) but we simply may have had the ideas a few years before they did but didn’t have the resources to make it happen. So we just endure it.

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Endurance. Perhaps that is the word that sums up my life right now. As I endure life, much like on the bike, I become fitter, leaner, stronger and more experienced. The journey isn’t easy. There are many amazing experiences and memories along these roads full of twists, turns, peaks and valleys that are either categorized as beautiful or ugly depending on how one plays the mental game. I finished up this ride determined not to “pussy out” as I approached the Golden Gate Bridge.” It’s a 2-mile climb up to the bridge but I wanted to push myself more. Instead of turning left to go over the bridge I continued up the hill for another 3 or more miles and was immediately hit by a 12% grade. I just grinded it out and before I knew it I was looking down over the Golden Gate Bridge and the whole San Francisco bay area. It was beautiful and so worth it physically, mentally and aesthetically.

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So there it was, my life encapsulated in one 5-hour ride and for some reason I remembered it all. I will never give up on my dreams. I will struggle in hopes that my kids will not have to. I will do my best to be a good, loving and caring husband and father but try to never force them to live my dreams and try not to spoil them too much. I will always try to define and walk that thin line. I will break the cycle through determination and perseverance.

Thoughts?

Umbra

My mind has shut down
Like a solar eclipse
My thoughts like winter
Cold and crisp

I stare from the bluff
Unaware of the blindness that will come
I gaze into the darkness
That veils that raging ball of fire
A volatile gaseous conglomerate of particles
93 million miles away seemingly non-existent

A rare opportunity to hold eye contact

In seconds it will melt your retina
Leaving you in permanent darkness
Reflecting on this moment
Basking in the rays of my sun.

Now is your only opportunity…

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LOST

So I awake from amazing and sultry dreams of you
And now I lie here reminiscing and fantasizing about you
Astounded that you are laying here next to me
On your side, holding me
Your right leg entwined with mine
Thigh to thigh
Your hand on my abdomen
Raising with each of my calming breaths
Eyes closed sleeping peacefully
Beautifully
Your head resting on my chest
As I run my fingers through your hair
Breathing you in
With every tender caress
I’m lost in what must be fabricated happiness
Praying for you to discover me
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Becoming More Than A Man

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As a Dad I believe I have grown into and embraced what my perception of a “man” should be. Though I realize that I may never really “grow up” I do sincerely understand and happily accept my responsibilities toward my beautiful wife and two daughters. These three ladies have brought huge changes in me and have made an incredible impact on my life at pivotal moments when I needed them most. I feel blessed and privileged that I have the opportunity to guide my girls through the twists and turns of this crazy world and I absolutely cherish the moments as I watch them grow and mature right in front of my eyes. Yes, even the hard times, the chaos, the messes, the fights, the issues with friends and school, the constant need for attention, the lies and intentional disobeying… it is all part of what comes with being a parent. I never imagined I would have kids but now I cannot fathom life without them. They truly love me unconditionally and that is an amazing feeling. I also commit myself to always do my part, my share of work at home (whatever that means… I approach this as a team and we just gotta do what needs to be done when it needs to be done and it doesn’t matter who is doing it). I always remind our girls how much we love them and I love and support my wife no matter what and will always be there for her in her times of need. To me, this is what makes what would otherwise be a boy a man.

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This Christmas morning (2012) I drifted off into a beautiful crystal haze as I relaxed on the couch next to my wife Rachel by the fire in the living room. All the “sniggling” had been done. (“Sniggling” is a term coined by Brianna a few years back referring to the act of crawling under the Christmas tree with the express intent of retrieving the presents in the back.) The presents had been opened, the screeches and happy dances had passed, hugs and kisses had been generously doled out and a sweet treat of Swedish Tea Ring had been enjoyed… I then realized that I was in the midst of a bizarre situation… With the exception of the warm and inviting crackling of the log in the fireplace and the quintessential voices of Bing Crosby and Burl Ives in the background the house was still and silent.

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I looked over at Rachel and found her happily reclined with her new fuzzy socks on reading a book. I skeptically turned my attention to Brianna and Lilah who were blissfully sitting on the floor in the middle of their loot quietly examining each of their gifts with smiles on their faces and thankfulness and joy in their hearts. In that tranquil moment I experienced a phenomenon that I had always assumed was a myth… First you must believe me that this life has been a confusing and trial-filled one for me up to this point and I can only expect the pattern to continue. Perhaps that’s my purpose in life, to endure the trials and tribulations and help others along the way? I hope there is a worthy reason for all of this… but these last two years in particular have been the hardest and not at all fair to my wife and above all, my kids. It’s been a “sucky” couple of years for them and they have deserved none of it! This Christmas I believed we actually may have experienced a legendary “Christmas Miracle” full of peace, love and joy for our freshly invigorated family. The amazing gift I received this year; the myth I mentioned earlier… For the first time in my life I believe I was warmly wrapped in the comfortable glow of contentment.

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Being a Dad and a Husband takes much more than simply being a boy.

(Taken from “Scrooge”)

“I like life
Here and now
Life and I made a mutual vow
‘Till I die
Life and I
We’ll both try to be better some how”

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8.3 Minutes

I lay awake in the warmth of our bed
Sunbeams break though the condensation on our window
Microfibers of dust are suspended in their rays
Electromagnetic radiation caresses your skin
Filtered infrared and ultraviolet light
Penetrates your cinnamon-honey hair
Which shimmers and glows like a halo…
Your skin, like that of an Angel
Soft, smooth; perfect…
Rosy cheeks, voluptuous lips
Peaceful, you lay still asleep
In the glory of the morning sun
Like photosynthesis
I absorb your angelic glow
My life-force
Your energy at your Zenith
I’m blessed for 8.3 minutes

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(For my Love, my Angel, my Wife. I Love You Rachel…)

Kids Bring Change – My Birthday

My birthday has never really been a priority to me. Yes I appreciate the theory and the reality of it – celebrating ones birth by getting a group of friends and family together and having a party. I like the idea for kids because they have all their friends with them and they bring presents etc. But as an adult, actually since I was a teen, I have not had much of a care about my own birthday for various reasons. As a matter of fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t really recall any of my birthdays. Perhaps I have blocked them out along with much of my childhood because I just wasn’t happy back then… (Just keeping that one simple for now) Thankfully this year was different. This birthday I will never forget.

IMG_0959Both of my daughters belong to “Presidio Dance Theater” in San Francisco. Brianna has been dancing there for about 2 and a half years and Lilah for 1. I will leave the details alone for now but I guarantee I’ll be writing about them dancing quite a bit. The short of it all is that I am so proud of them and I love watching them practice and perform. During the 2012 spring performance at the Palace of Fine Arts I read in the program that their winter performance “Beyond the Land of Sweets” was going to be on my birthday! For the first time in my life, that I can remember, I actually had a reason to be excited for my birthday.

5 or 6 months later the evening was creeping up on us. I was so excited and nervous with anticipation. For weeks I was telling people that my girls were giving me a performance for my birthday. It was obvious that I was excited and proud. It truly felt like the whole thing was just for me. The day was suddenly upon us, my Mom had come to visit to see her granddaughters perform and spend time with us. We sat together in Herbst Theater waiting for the curtain to open; we were stressed. Rachel (my wife) was working backstage directing traffic and helping with quick changes etc. dealing with the chaos behind the scenes. When Brianna took the stage in perfect form and confidence a sense of pride and exhilaration rushed through me. She was so beautiful, so composed… so professional. I watched, holding back tears of joy and unexplainable emotions. Then Lilah took the stage for her first time in a major performance dressed as a Snow Angel in a white dress with red trim and a silver tinsel halo. I lost it. Tears rolled down my cheeks, my chin quivered and my heart pounded. When she exited stage a sense of calmness finally embraced me. My kids are fine, they are performers, just relax… This was probably the proudest moment in my life. The show carried on and Brianna had quite a bit of stage time, mostly front stage too and Lilah had one more appearance as well. It was simply amazing!

IMG_0914The intense love and indescribable emotional connection that I have for my daughters manifested itself on that one simple day in December that I other wise would have normally treated like any other monotonous day. I see my birthday these days as something that makes my kids happy because they can show me their love and appreciation that I’m their dad by giving me some gifts and making me a cake. That’s been slowly changing my heart too. Seeing the love and appreciation for me in my daughter’s eyes if a gift above all others. It has been giving me a sense of worth and purpose. It helps me get through the daily grind. It helps me understand unconditional love. I love my kids more than anything in this world and I will make any sacrifice and ridiculous efforts to give them a good life and be the best father I can be. When they gave me an amazing performance on my birthday I melted and beamed with bliss and adoration as the troubles and obstacles that the world throws at me disintegrated and blew away like ashes in the wind. Thank you Brianna and Lilah for continually changing my life for the better and for giving me the most memorable and happiest of birthdays ever!

I love you!